By Ed Straker
I’ve always thought, as most people do, that John Wilkes Booth shot Abraham Lincoln at Ford’s Theater on April 4, 1865. But after spending six days talking with lawyers from the Democratic Party to help me refresh my memory, I’ve come to realize that it wasn’t John Wilkes Booth at all, but rather Supreme Court nominee Brett Kavanaugh.
I had no memory of this happening as recently as last week, but today, it is as clear as day. I remember Kavanaugh coming up from behind the president of the United States and aiming a pistol at him. Only I’m not sure it was at Ford’s Theater. It might have been at Ford’s Theater, but it might also have been on the Mall, or in the White House, or on Capitol Hill. I’m a little hazy on the day, too. It might have been April 4, 1865, but it also could have been a few days before or after, maybe even as early as 1864.
The problem is that I had a few minor memory gaps. I don’t remember what happened right before or right after the shooting. I don’t remember exactly who was there and who wasn’t. All I remember clearly is that Brett Kavanaugh did it. Trauma experts say it is perfectly normal to remember one detail of a traumatic incident while forgetting everything else.
My blackout periods can also be explained by my heavy drinking. I was slurring my speech and was totally passed out at certain points. But I was wide awake and attentive just as Brett Kavanaugh shot President Lincoln.
I have even named witnesses who saw this happen. Even though the witnesses do not recall Brett Kavanaugh shooting President Lincoln, it doesn’t prove he didn’t do it! Unless Kavanaugh can prove he didn’t do it, he must be judged to have done it.
However unclear I am on the location and timing, I am rock-solid certain that it happened. I even submitted to a lie-detector test. While I can’t release the results, I can assure you that everything I said was judged to be the truth. Brett Kavanaugh shooting President Lincoln: true. Brett Kavanaugh steering Titanic into path of iceberg: true. Brett Kavanuagh stealing Neil Armstrong’s spacesuit on the lunar module: true.
You may be wondering why I waited so many years to come forward and why I told no one. That’s because it was a repressed memory. Repressed memories can come out at any time. A day, a year, fifty years, even 150 years later. That explains all of it.
If you look at Brett Kavanaugh’s calendar from 1864, his guilt is clear. He talks about “getting wasted” with his friends at a beer party. “Wasted” is a term for shooting people. That is clearly a reference to shooting President Lincoln.
I would be happy to testify to any and all of this. The only problem is that I live far from Washington, D.C. and would have to come on foot. The trauma of watching President Lincoln getting shot has caused me to be adverse to all horseless buggies and birdless flying machines. So it may take me a while to get there to testify. You can make it all easier simply by voting against Kavanaugh. That’s at least what my therapist tells me.