A Stoos Views Hugh Betcha Exclusive
It was the largest pot bust ever—a drug interdiction unparalleled in the history of Mexico. The Mexican police announced that its agents had intercepted a drug shipment of 134 tons of marijuana near Tijuana, presumably headed for the United States. The government announced that all 134 tons would be disposed of by burning the stash in a ceremony at a nearby army base. And Hugh Betcha, Chief of the International News Desk of the Stoos Views media conglomerate was there.
At the request of the President of Mexico, who called Hugh at his office in beautiful downtown Wynstone, South Dakota—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, the people are friendly, and the folks vote red—the reporter flew to Tijuana to witness the historic event. It would, however, prove to be anything but a normal news day.
Hungry for publicity in the waning days of the historic 2010 midterm election campaign, and apparently anxious to divert attention from the fact that the Democrats have absolutely no border policy, the top leadership of the Obama administration rushed to the scene like moths to a flame in order to get some face time in the press, take credit for the historic drug bust, and—one might think—to score a free toke.
Hugh Betcha, internationally recognized journalist and winner of the coveted “International Reporter of the Year, 2010, Award,” a man who walks with kings and princes and has the respect of both sides of the aisles in Washington—having gotten ‘faced with his buddy President Obama on several occasions at the White House—arrived at the scene and was greeted warmly by the President of Mexico and top Mexican drug officials—all of whom were wearing gas masks to protect themselves from the “noxious” fumes. Having a passing familiarity with the effects of the sweet cannabis smoke, Hugh donned the gas mask offered him by the Mexican President, and wandered around the huge bonfire taking copious notes.
Soon the American contingent arrived. First to arrive was Harry “Ridin’ Dirty” Reid, who recently rode 300 feet in a caravan of gas guzzling SUVs in order to meet with a group of demonstrators outside the Green Summit, which Reid organized recently in Las Vegas. Arriving at the Tijuana bonfire in a caravan of 15 SUVs, including Hummers, Suburbans, and Yukons, with a Secret Service chopper hovering overhead, Reid alighted from his chauffeured vehicle surrounding by a phalanx of Secret Service agents—the extra security designed to protect him from the “smelly tourists” who often bothered the Senator. Next to arrive was Nancy Pelosi—who flew to Mexico on a private jumbo jet because her broom was apparently broken. Third to arrive was Eric “The Enforcer” Holder, who rode in a caravan of sheriffs’ cars, highway patrol cars, and military jeeps—all with sirens wailing. Holder, sporting a snappy blue sport coat with a bright yellow and blue patch emblazoned with his official motto, “SUE THE BASTARDS,” jumped out of the lead vehicle and rushed to the scene just in time for the lighting of the weed. Last, but not least, was Bill Clinton, whose uncanny ability to identify reefer by smell without ever inhaling—led him to an official appointment as Presidential representative at this historic event. Clinton, named “Designee, Office of the President for Elimination of Reefer” (D.O.P.E.R.) was sent by Obama (himself known to toke a few doobies during law school—said to account for his incoherent policies and inability speak without a teleprompter) to score a dime bag for official inspection and testing by the Office of the President.
The American contingent politely declined the offer of gas masks and assembled downwind from the blazing stack of loco weed as the Mexicans torched the pile. In time, Hugh approached the Democrat leaders who were intently watching the fire as the smoke wafted through the group. The group was uncharacteristically silent and Hugh’s uncanny ability to get information from the interviewee was somehow stymied this day. Hoping for a story as to how this record drug bust showed progress in the U.S.-Mexican war against drugs, Hugh was somewhat disappointed. Commentary came hard this day.
Approaching Harry “Ridin’ Dirty” Reid for comment on how this drug bust showed that America was tough on illegal immigration and interdiction of drugs crossing the border, Reid’s response was, well, odd. Staring at the sky above, Reid replied: “Did you ever notice how some of those clouds look like puppies and others look like bunnies?” The normally droll Reid smiled as he pointed skyward, before wandering back to his SUV without further comment.
Walking toward the Speaker of the House—normally never at a loss for words—Hugh shoved the microphone in front of Pelosi to get her take on this historic event. Pelosi simply stared blankly at the reporter with a vacuous gaze indistinguishable from her normal vacuous gaze, asked the reporter for a bag of Cheetos and some garlic dip, then walked off.
Approaching Eric the Enforcer, Hugh handed the mike to Mr. Holder, hoping to salvage something from this trip by getting a newsworthy quote from the nation’s chief law enforcement officer. Asked about the significance of this historic bust for the war on drugs, Holder looked at the reporter and replied softly, “Say you are deep. Are you a Gemini?” and declined further comment.
Hoping against hope to obtain a quotable quote from Bill (“I never had sex with that girl and I never inhaled”) Clinton, Hugh inquired of the former President as to the significance of the interception of this massive quantity of drugs and what he intended to report to the President. In response Clinton noted: “Wow, 134 tons. This is truly amazing. That translates into 8,576,000 reefers in my day. Gotta go now.” With that, Clinton obtained a dime bag from the Mexican President to take to President Obama for a presidential “briefing.”
The Democrat contingent wandered off after an hour or so, climbed into their vehicles and left the scene. Asked by Hugh where the group was headed next, a spokesman replied that they were “going out for tacos and pizza, then off to Washington to set the Democratic legislative agenda for the next two years.”