Canada Free Press
By William Kevin Stoos
Well on his way to accomplishing the last of his three presidential priorities:
- Releasing terrorists to kill Americans again (See: Stoos, Obama’s “Adopt-A-Jihadist” Program for Gitmo Prisoners and Obama’s “Adopt a Jihadist Program” Part 2: Gitmo Honor Graduate Resumes Career);
- Apologizing to the world for the greatest country on earth (See: Stoos, World Groveling Tour Takes Its Toll: Obama Recovering From Serious Back Injuries) and
- Destroying the American health care system (See Stoos, The Future Of Medicine Under Obama Universal Coverage for Health (O.U.C.H.) President Obama recently announced the delay of World Groveling Tour 2—his long-planned trip to Oceania.
The President announced that he intends to stay back in order to assist Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi in their socialist campaign to turn America’s health care over to the government, raise taxes on the middle class, cut Medicare benefits, punish private insurers, and reduce payments to medical providers. His plan—Obama Universal Care for Health (O.U.C.H)—appears well on its way to passage, He told his plans to veteran reporter, Hugh Betcha, during a hastily arranged private conference call to Hugh’s office at the sprawling headquarters of the Stoos Views International Media Conglomerate in Wynstone, SD—where the air is clean, the crime rate low, people vote red and the centre still holds.
“How do you plan to convince the reluctant Members to vote for the Senate draft of O.U.C.H.?” Hugh asked the President.
“Well, we have many options—as I said previously, I always have a backup plan.”
“Well, we can use gentle persuasion. The Cornhusker Kickback, or the Louisiana Purchase, for example. They all seemed to work out fine. Of course, those Senators will not be reelected next time, but we got their vote at least. Same thing ought to work on the House side this time.”
“And if bribery does not work?”
“It’s not bribery,” the President retorted, “just selective redistribution of federal funds.”
“And if that does not work?”
“Well, we take to the showers,” the President said sternly.
“You don’t mean…”
“Yeah, we discuss the issues with any reluctant Members in a more casual setting.”
“We send a naked Rahm Emanuel into the shower room after them. Nothing more intimidating than an angry naked man with a knife standing in close proximity to your private parts.”
“Isn’t that a little cruel?”
“Perhaps, but effective. This issue is just too important. It worked on Massa after all. ”
“And if that does not work?”
“We send in Harry Reid. If a naked Harry Reid does not scare them, nothing will. Scares the hell out of me I gotta tell you.”
Repulsed at the thought, Hugh hurriedly changed the subject.
“Why a tour of the Pacific at this time?”
“Need another break—I have been working for a couple months straight now. It is clear that I am going to be a one-termer, so I have to get in as much travel time compliments of Uncle Sugar as I can. Besides, there are still a few countries in the world that I have not apologized to as yet.”
“It is the cornerstone of my foreign policy and the best defense we have. I want the world to like us. If they like us, the terrorists won’t attack us anymore. Simple as that. After all, it is better to be liked than feared.”
“What will be the theme of the tour this time?”
“FORGIVE U.S. 2010.”
“What will you do there?”
“Visit Guam and apologize for freeing them from the Japanese during World War II, visit Indonesia and assure them we are not a Christian nation; and apologize to Australia for providing the nuclear shield that has protected the Free World for 60 years now.”
“Do you plan to prostrate yourself to foreign leaders this time as well?”
“I am sure we can find someone to bow to, yes.”
“What are you doing differently this time?”
“”Packing my knee pads and back brace, just in case.”